Deathly Year

For me, 2014 is the year of death. Maybe it's not really like that, but I heard at least 4 death news and 2 missing plane news in a year. Oh okay, maybe not really a year but at least this year, that's what I know. But, you know, from suicide, illness, missing planes, you name it.

*sigh*

The hardest news to hear are the first death and the last missing plane. The first death was a suicide of a boy who were attending the same university as me. I know some things about him, even I don't know him personally, but I just can't stand suicide. Suicide is selfish, because you don't even think about how it will affect people who loves you. You never think about how it will leave any scars in another people's heart. And it's not worth to do. When you regret the choice, it is too fucking late to go back. You can't go back to life, you are not a fucking cat with 9 lives. We only live once.

And then this missing plane news. I don't want to be naive, most of them won't be safe. I knew and I had this bad feeling since the missing AirAsia news popped up on tv and any medias. It's quite weird, I didn't know what's this weird feeling until SAR team confirmed that they found the bodies and plane pieces floating on the sea. I almost cry right when I see the news. It is a heartbreaking news. Most of them are acquintances of my friends and, yeah, just like that, I can't explain it since it's a sensitive yet hard to explain.

I will say that I am sorry and I'm giving my deepest condolences to all these people, especially these people's families who lost their loved ones. It's really hard to lose them, I know.

May the souls find their way home, safe and sound.

Don't You Ever Dare It

Yesterday, I scrolled down through Facebook and I found this one picture that sums up every body's life: the never ending question asked by ignorant people including your whole family members (including your uncles, aunts, cousins, married cousins, and so on). The picture below is in Indonesian so I'll translate it to you.

Admit it, these are the most hated questions, either you're single or not.

1. Kapan kawin? = When will you get married?
2. Kapan punya anak? = Do you plan to have child soon?
3. Kasih ASI atau sufor/susu formula? = Which milk you give to your baby? Breast milk of formulated milk?
4. Kapan punya adek lagi? = Do you have a plan to get pregnant and having another child?
5. Ibu RT? Ga sayang sama gelar masternya? = A housewife? Don't you feel bad about your master degree?
6. Udah kerja sekarang? Ga kasian ninggalin anak-anak di rumah? = So you're working now? How about your kids at home?
7. Kapan mantu? = When will your children get married?

***

So, yeah, I can relate to those kind of questions. I'm not married, not yet, but as a youngster, I get a lot of people questioning do I already have a boyfriend or not. And those questions always been asked by my family. Yes, almost all family members I know since a I was a kid always asking me those questions.

Honestly, I feel so fucking sick about those questions. I am so naive if I say those questions are okay and not violate my privacy. Don't they know that it's actually violate my privacy? And, why the fuck do you want to know who's my love interest is. No, fellas, you will never know them and you will never really care about their background. Oh wait, you only care about his race and religion, are you? Then, don't you have something that is far more important than asking annoying questions like that?

If you let me be honest, I can brag about having a lovely boyfriend and talking shit about being in a relationship. But you better feel bad if it's a lie, a lie about having a lovely boyfriend and blahblahblah. Keep in mind that I don't care about your opinions and how you try to be a "part in my life by doing helpless things".

I may sound like a rude bitch here, but I want to make it clear that once you guys asking me about love-thingy, you'll get a very special treatment from me - the silent treatment. My cousin, she passed the phase, said that it really works. You don't want me to ignore you, don't you? If so, you know what to do. *insert smiley face here*

Ps: if you are a family member of mine and we don't meet so often, don't you ever dare to ask me questions like that and let me live my fucking life.

Another Final Exam

It's almost that time of the year again. You know, December things such as christmas, rainy days, winter season clothings, and final exam. Yes. I'm saying final exam.

My final exam will take time next week, I don't really know the date but it will start next fucking week. There is one subject that is obviously a curse for me. Oh, okay, it's not a curse but I just hate that subject, a lot. I hate physycs since I was in junior high school, I never liked it because it needs logical thinking and also the numbers are "ugly and complicated as fuck".

The subject is... *drum rolls* Mid-raise structure building.

You know you're fucked up when the lecturer is actually smart but can't give you a clear explanation about the subject, and more screwed when there is a rumour if the lecturer hates anything related to bimbingan belajar. Wanna be more and mooooore fucked up? Being a clueless yet lazy person. I find myself as a combination of those three, so, you know what I mean, right?

Until this day, I still don't have any idea about why should we learn structure and learning physycs when later in real life I'm not even going to use all of those complicated formulas. And the longer I'm studying architecture, the feeling about "salah jurusan" is getting bigger. But I don't want to easily give up, although I fucked up almost everything this semester, started with my designing studio, this hellish structure thing, and stuffs and stuffs. The only subject I won't ever complain is just Indonesian Architecture because it's always fun tl hear theories about things and examples.

In the end, all I wanna do is sticking up to this major course (not curse, even sometime it feels like a curse), because I can't imagine another year and money is wasted because I failed. It would be a hard work for my father if I can't make it.

I just wish everything is gonna be alright, starts from the exam until my designing studio. It's okay to get C+ or C, as long as when I'm entering world of working adults, I can draw tattoos and people pays me for that.

Last, good luck for everyone who's on final exam!!

A Cheerful Gloomer

After 5 months without any water dropped from the sky, I feel so happy that last night I can hear the sound of rain. Ah, I feel relieved when I hear that sound because I already missed it like crazy. I don't really like summer since the sun is always burns my skin and the temperature in Surabaya is pretty hot. Surabaya citizen said it is like a living hell since it's sooooooo hot.

But, I'm not going to talk about how the sun hates Surabaya a lot (because he decides he will punish us for 5 months after rainy season by stand-by on the top of our heads and burn this city).

I'm going to talk about the feelings I always get in this kind of season.

On the top of all, I feel gloomy. As I write this post, I just realise that everytime the rainy season is on or everytime the season is almost over, my heart is always broken. No, it is not a fucking coincidence. I don't understand how can it happened? Like today, after the rain last night, a guy sent me a text saying that he will forget me. I'm all like, okay, because before he replied I said that we should move on and stay friends instead of something more than friends. We've developped our feelings but some problems just makes me slowly lose the feeling I used to have. Oh, you know that feel, right? Maybe we're not even boy and girlfriend since we never met in real life before, but, we all know that feel when we find someone who understand us but we know we should keep thinking about how things can be explained logically and hard times making the right decisions. That's why I keep turning down his "offer" for me because I need to walk on real life. And I think it's a lie if we both said that there's no broken heart or sad feeling.

Second, I think I'm probably a masochist. A sad-feeling-masochist, not the sexual-acts-masochist. I'm not into BDSM stuffs because how the fuck can you enjoy being tortured while having sex? ._. Wait, back to the main topic: I'm a sad-feeling-masochist. Actually the rain is the main cause of it. Whenever I cry I always wish that I'm just another cold hearted person in appearance. I always wish I can never cry anymore because all my feelings are gone. But in the end, I always back to reality: I'm only human, and if I have no feelings towards anything anymore, it means I can never make friends again, I can never know what happiness feels like. Believe me, you'll going to hear me rant about things more in rainy days instead of summer. For me, the rain is a friend to help me release my stress, yet he can't really wash all my tears away, but still, he calms me down, while the summer is a friend to help me gain my cheerful personality.

And the best thing about rainy season is... I can replay those old, memorable songs I always liked and have a nostalgic feelings. Also, I can keep play favourite songs without getting too bored of it. As I said earlier, I'm a sad-feeling-masochist, so by playing those songs, I can enjoy those feeling and choked on my tears. Uh. Also new songs that fits my music taste. Yes. I remember listening to Pierce The Veil for the first time, the song I heard was The Boy Who Could Fly, and it was rainy season. You know, I felt so happy because it was new for me, and when I heard the lyrics, the rainy day became a perfect day for me.

Well, that's just my story right now, about how I feel about rainy days/season. Personally, I'd like to call this season as gloomy season because the weather, the smell, and everything about this season always gets me right in my heart.

And I'd like to recommend songs by Ghost Town which is really good to hear in this season (or any season). I'll say it by the albums c:
1. Party In The Graveyard (I would say that Monster, Off With Her Head, I'm Wasted, Voodoo, and Dreamer are pretty heartbreaking in this album)
2. The After Party (not a gloomy album but hey, I'm Weird, Under Wraps, Black Moon, and I'm A Disaster are pretty good)
3. Unplugged (if you don't like the original version, then here's the acoustic version which is as good as the originals).

So, let me ask you a question: how do you feel every and what's your favourite song in rainy season? ^^

What Happened to Me in One and a Half Year

HI!

It's been a long time, a very long time since my last post in April 2013. It feels so good to know that I write here again after all this time. I really miss writing stuffs, either just telling stories or making poems. So I'm going to tell you what happened to me these one and a half year.

My feelings changed.
My clothing style is absolutely changed.
My mind? Same. It changed.
The only thing that hasn't changed is only my music taste.

But I'm glad to know that I'm changing. I'm not that girl you used to know before. My feeling is now more complicated. My style of clothing is *cough* cooler than I used to be in high school. And most of all, my mind on how I see the world.

I see things differently. I think that so many things are wrong in this world, especially in my country. I started to care about my country. I started to feel like there are another kid, another people seeking for help and love but they never find one. I know how it feel to be insecure all the fucking time because the media and society fed you up with their 'be yourself but you need to blahblahblah' bullshits. I'm not afraid of gays and lesbian people anymore. And I'm not going to question and laughs at those transgender. Maybe at first I'll question your sexuality and your orientation, but then I won't care at all. I'll just treat them as good as I can do. I want to do something worthy, something that can help people.

Well, that's what in my mind right now. I don't know what to say anymore, they're all just popped into my head in a sudden hehehe. Because, yeah, you know, time can change people, right? But I'll explain one by one another time.

Have a good day/night, people!