Love.
It is a strong word, and it does affect how the way we look toward things in this world. And talking about love, I'm going to talk about how it feel like to be in love as you grow older.
As a kid, I used to dream about having a cute boyfriend and a romantic relationship with a guy I love. And believe it or not, I used to told boys I liked back then that I liked them. And then my relationship (under the context friendship) is getting awkward. Needless to say that I was just a kid and I didn't know anything about love, I (and those boys) misunderstood love with this thing called "like", and to be honest, I was pretty much affected by shoujo mangas that showed me that girls can confess too.
Also, you can deny to believe it but I had 8 exes. No, I didn't collect them for love but yes, mostly I do collect them just for having fun and some are for what I thought was "love". I am proudly say that in my junior and high school days, I was easily get boys and I don't fucking now why. Sadly, it is only my junior and high school days. I seriously have no boyfriend for these 2 years thanks to university life and my punk style that is too perfect for ya mainstream peasant boys out there. Nah, just kidding, it's all because university life only. And probably I do over-fucking-qualified for mainstream boys.
To be honest, I had a crush to this boy in uni that always makes me act weird anytime he appear somewhere around me.
Detail: 2 years, since the first time I saw him on ospek kuliah a.k.a love at the first sight.
More detail: I'm almost done with my 2nd year in uni, so it means I'm going to be a 3rd year uni student.
Another detail: I'm getting intrigued by myself, is it really love, am I obsessed, or just a crush?
So, yeah, you know, I waited for a long time and these days, I can see it won't happen, so I decide to move on for ever, for good.
Not long after, I met another guy. I won't give you detail but after the meeting, I know it is too early, but there is something I feel. Have you ever felt something so strong but you're not sure what is it, and that feeling is just resonating through your mind, like your instinct, your unconscious mind is trying to tell you that there is something good that will happen to you the moment you met someone for the very first fucking time? Because that is what I feel these days, it is quite scary and weird because I never felt something like this before. I feel like it is a sign, leading to something but I don't know what is it. And I'm afraid if I hoping too much. I panicked for 4 days straight now. More panicked when I see a video of him singing, it's on youtube. He seriously has a good voice, wait, no, he has an amazing voice I would like him to sing me a serenade every night before I sleep. Wait, what the fucking fuck have I done?
This make me think, if it is love, then, I really want to be in love, but I do scared of falling in love. Although I'm a hopeless romantic, I admit it, it is hard for me to truly fall in love with someone. Once I fall for someone, it will not work out as I imagined it to be. It makes me feel insecure about all aspects of myself, all the time. And I come to this conclusion I made - I don't even love myself, so how can I keep falling for other who also don't love me? I am also scared to death if I have to be broken again, I'm quite broken right now, so why fall in love just to be broken for one more time?
This probably sounds weird for you to read this from a 19 years old, and I, myself feel weird to told you about thing that you may knew before I do. As I grow older, I realised one thing for sure: falling in love as an adult is not as easy as I thought. It gets harder to fall in love with someone, and it is harder to let go of your pain. And when you're in love as an adult, you know for sure when to stop, when to move on. You decide it. You decide to move on and although it is hard, you know you'll be okay. And I realised that I don't want to play love game anymore even though I'm not ready (and probably not wanting) a marriage right now. I want a long term relationship because I'm tired of playing.
So, that's all I can say right now. See you guys on my next post :")
It is a strong word, and it does affect how the way we look toward things in this world. And talking about love, I'm going to talk about how it feel like to be in love as you grow older.
As a kid, I used to dream about having a cute boyfriend and a romantic relationship with a guy I love. And believe it or not, I used to told boys I liked back then that I liked them. And then my relationship (under the context friendship) is getting awkward. Needless to say that I was just a kid and I didn't know anything about love, I (and those boys) misunderstood love with this thing called "like", and to be honest, I was pretty much affected by shoujo mangas that showed me that girls can confess too.
Also, you can deny to believe it but I had 8 exes. No, I didn't collect them for love but yes, mostly I do collect them just for having fun and some are for what I thought was "love". I am proudly say that in my junior and high school days, I was easily get boys and I don't fucking now why. Sadly, it is only my junior and high school days. I seriously have no boyfriend for these 2 years thanks to university life and my punk style that is too perfect for ya mainstream peasant boys out there. Nah, just kidding, it's all because university life only. And probably I do over-fucking-qualified for mainstream boys.
To be honest, I had a crush to this boy in uni that always makes me act weird anytime he appear somewhere around me.
Detail: 2 years, since the first time I saw him on ospek kuliah a.k.a love at the first sight.
More detail: I'm almost done with my 2nd year in uni, so it means I'm going to be a 3rd year uni student.
Another detail: I'm getting intrigued by myself, is it really love, am I obsessed, or just a crush?
So, yeah, you know, I waited for a long time and these days, I can see it won't happen, so I decide to move on for ever, for good.
Not long after, I met another guy. I won't give you detail but after the meeting, I know it is too early, but there is something I feel. Have you ever felt something so strong but you're not sure what is it, and that feeling is just resonating through your mind, like your instinct, your unconscious mind is trying to tell you that there is something good that will happen to you the moment you met someone for the very first fucking time? Because that is what I feel these days, it is quite scary and weird because I never felt something like this before. I feel like it is a sign, leading to something but I don't know what is it. And I'm afraid if I hoping too much. I panicked for 4 days straight now. More panicked when I see a video of him singing, it's on youtube. He seriously has a good voice, wait, no, he has an amazing voice I would like him to sing me a serenade every night before I sleep. Wait, what the fucking fuck have I done?
This make me think, if it is love, then, I really want to be in love, but I do scared of falling in love. Although I'm a hopeless romantic, I admit it, it is hard for me to truly fall in love with someone. Once I fall for someone, it will not work out as I imagined it to be. It makes me feel insecure about all aspects of myself, all the time. And I come to this conclusion I made - I don't even love myself, so how can I keep falling for other who also don't love me? I am also scared to death if I have to be broken again, I'm quite broken right now, so why fall in love just to be broken for one more time?
This probably sounds weird for you to read this from a 19 years old, and I, myself feel weird to told you about thing that you may knew before I do. As I grow older, I realised one thing for sure: falling in love as an adult is not as easy as I thought. It gets harder to fall in love with someone, and it is harder to let go of your pain. And when you're in love as an adult, you know for sure when to stop, when to move on. You decide it. You decide to move on and although it is hard, you know you'll be okay. And I realised that I don't want to play love game anymore even though I'm not ready (and probably not wanting) a marriage right now. I want a long term relationship because I'm tired of playing.
So, that's all I can say right now. See you guys on my next post :")
